


Strong Like An Amazon

by robertmakesafoolofhimself



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Bisexuality, Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Freeform, Coming Out, Coming of Age, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, eventual Robron, young robert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-28
Packaged: 2019-01-21 12:56:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12458259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertmakesafoolofhimself/pseuds/robertmakesafoolofhimself
Summary: The journey of Robert discovering his sexuality and other challenges he faces growing up.Slight Buffy the Vampire references because Robert's always been a fan.aka this was gonna be a bit of fun but it turned into an angst fest.





	1. WHO ARE YOU

**Author's Note:**

> Robert's Buffy posters can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AovoeVeaagM&t=54s 
> 
> There will be lots of different ships, as this will follow the journey of Rob discovering his sexuality, as well as his relationships with his family. The rating WILL go up. Every chapter is inspired by a Buffy episode. This is my first fic for the Emmerdale fandom. I hope you enjoy.

 

_ Forget girls for now, you’ve got plenty of time for that when you get a bit older. _

 

16th February 2001 - 

 

_ Oh Emma, Oh Emma - i’m in a dilemma.  _

 

He found the tattered piece of paper stuffed right at the back of Andy’s desk draw. His brother’s very first poem and certainly not his last. Robert had never met anyone so soft and gullible in his life. He truly believed that all he needed to do was smile at a girl, maybe write her a poem and give her some flowers. Andy thought that he was the leading man in a rom com and Robert was nothing but his comedic sidekick. 

 

It hadn’t always been that way. They’d been best friends. Andy owed his life to Robert. Who knows what would have happened if he’d had to stay with his psycho of a dad?

 

_ His dad _ .

 

For a few minutes he’d forgotten; lost in the distraction of the memories of Andy’s possessions. The young boy slammed the wooden draw shut and then punched it hard - as if it could take back the last two years of his life. He wanted to go back to innocently asking his father about girls, mucking about with Andy on the farm, talking to his mother…  _ Mum _ .

 

_ What if dad killed mum? _

 

That’s why his room was such a mess; there had to be something somewhere. Andy knew something. He had to be protecting dad.

 

A soft thud came from behind him and Robert spun around as if he’d heard a gunshot, his palms sweaty as he reached out to the wall. His Buffy poster was already curled up on the floor. He grabbed hold of it and willed it to stick back in place. 

 

His dad had called it a stupid TV show that he wasn’t old enough to be exposed to. Yet Robert insisted that he and Andy could watch it together after doing homework. Eventually it had done the trick. Staring at the gorgeous face of Buffy Summers, Robert realised that she had been the only consistent thing in his life since before his mum had died. Sarah had even braved the odd episode, sitting between the two boys on the sofa while Jack got Victoria to sleep. Robert could barely remember it happening, it had been so rare. Those were the days before they’d known about her and Richie; when they’d use to be a family. 

 

“I hope you find a girl like her one day” Sarah Sugden had said, identifying the one character that she approved of. Robert had screwed up his nose, not seeing the appeal of the long auburn hair, big expressive eyes and nervous smile. “Willow’s a geek! She’s more Andy’s league” he’d insisted with a chuckle. 

 

“I think she’s nice enough” his brother had replied, being in one of his rare playful moods. No one was allowed to argue during Buffy. That was the rule that Sarah had imposed. He didn’t play by any rules now that he watched the show alone. 

 

The last episode he’d watched was from the fourth series. It was titled  _ Who are you?  _ That was what had been plaguing on his mind as he’d ransacked his and Andy’s room. 

_ Who are you dad? Who are you brother? Do I really want to know? _

 

That’s how he’s found himself at Richie’s. He needs to know everything. There’s something missing. His father is on trial for killing his mother. He could lose him; the man who he never really had the birds and bees talk with. No; he’s already losing him to the fake brother he’d inherited from caring about a stranger. He never should have tried to make a friend. His dad always says blood is thicker than water, look after your own. Mum, Dad and Victoria. That’s his family unless his father is the one hiding something. Richie knows something. He must know.

 

He’s having lunch with Richie and Victoria’s there so he has to tread carefully. She doesn’t understand a lot of what’s going on but she’s his sister and he’s not heartless - despite what Kathy and his dad might think. Seeing Richie isn’t a betrayal. It’s a necessity. 

 

He thinks back to how he left the bedroom; is everything just how it was before? Will Andy notice that he’s been snooping? Should he even care?

 

If Richie asks him if he wants a biscuit one more time, he just might regret it. Every time Sarah is brought up, her ex lover has this guilty look on his face and Robert wants to punch it. Andy’s always been the violent one, taking straight after his real dad. It’s a last resort for Robert. He lashes out if he sees no other way to fix things. He punched Donna because she was bullying Andy. He does everything he can to protect his family. He even ran away from home because he was being a burden and making his mum and dad fight. But what happens when your family doesn’t feel like your own anymore? Andy and Jack. Robert and Victoria. They’re like two different families living in the same home.

 

“Did you love my mum?”

 

His voice is timid, still afraid of coming on too strong despite how desperate he is for the truth. “Robert I can’t talk to you about-” 

 

“How did you know?”

 

In his mind he’s back with his dad, asking what to do to make girls notice him.  _ Forget girls for now, you’ve got plenty of time for that when you get a bit older.  _ Now he _ is _ older. He feels one hundred years old and girls shouldn’t be a priority right now. Richie’s not answering about his mum but maybe he’ll tell him about the damage that love can do. Maybe love was what killed his mum. 

 

Buffy last night had body swaps and witches that seemed to be in love. He doesn’t understand how Willow could love Oz and then seem to love Tara a series later. She wasn’t gay and then she was. Mum was alive and now she’s dead. None of it makes sense. There’s no clear reason for these things happening. It’s like he’s missed an episode, even when he’s sure he clicked record on the VCR. He can’t rely on a TV show to explain his life to him anymore.

 

“Know what?” Richie frowned, helping himself to a biscuit to distract himself. Victoria is sat beside him, her face buried in a picture book. It’s her favourite, the one Sarah always use to read to her.

 

“Who you are? Who you love? Is it worth it, any of it?”

 

Richie raises an eyebrow. He’s bitten off more than he can chew. Lunch had been an olive branch but suddenly the tree has overgrown. Robert’s watching him with pleading eyes. His father could go to prison. His mother is dead. He’s cost this boy his family. It’s too much. 

 

“That’s a lot of questions,” he begins. 

 

Robert’s hands are gripping the sofa. His eyes feel heavy. It’s like he’s staring right through the near-stranger, “No one will tell me anything!” 

 

The clock chimes on the wall.

 

“Can we go home now?” Victoria asks. 

 

”No-” Robert starts, his voice still raised. 

 

Richie gives him a look of warning. The youngest Sugden clutches her book to her chest nervously. Robert takes hold of her hand gently, “I mean yeah, come on Victoria let’s go.” With reluctance he walks with her to the door. Richie stops him by putting a hand on his shoulder. “Robert, you’ve got to be strong.”

 

He just nods and then takes his sister home. At the very least he can be strong for her. 


	2. THE HARSH LIGHT OF DAY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the boy with the leather jacket. He doesn’t know his name - just that he’s always wearing his stupid jacket over his uniform shirt. Robert’s never seen him without it. Not that he pays much attention. He’s just happened to notice him. It’s just a guy with a jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the reviews on chapter one!  
> Technically this is still Christopher!Rob...but i'm imagining Karl!Rob because the content is getting more mature.

11th MAY 2001

 

There’s laughing in the library. It’s the one place in school that’s suppose to be quiet but it sounds just like the playground. Nobody sticks to the rules. Robert should know that by now. Life isn’t a fairytale like one of his little sister’s book. His dad was found not guilty of killing his mum, but the killer is still out there somewhere. Everyone else seems to have forgotten. No one remembers the way she smiled or the warmth of her hugs.

 

School had been hell while his dad was in prison. People were gossiping everywhere he turned. There had been no safe haven. So he’d lost himself in homework, comics and TV to block out the outside world. Gossip moves on though, just like his dad has after Sarah. He knows that he wants to date again. Everything is moving so fast.

 

He’s sitting at a table in the corner, staring down at a history book and reading the same line again and again. He stabs at the edge of a page with his pencil. He wishes he could fall into one of the dark little holes he’s creating.

 

The constant noise is giving him a headache but he can’t bring himself to move. He doesn’t want to go outside and watch Andy trying to sell cigarettes to get their dad some money. It’s shit what’s happening with the farm but there’s nothing they can do to help. It feels like the trial all over again; they can talk all they want but the result is out of their hands.

 

A shadow appears over his book and Robert tightens his grip on the pencil, holding it like a weapon as he looks up. It’s the boy with the leather jacket. He doesn’t know his name - just that he’s _always_ wearing his stupid jacket over his uniform shirt. Robert’s never seen him without it. Not that he pays much attention. He’s just happened to notice him. It’s just a guy with a jacket. It’s trivial but it’s better than thinking about what’s going on at home.  

 

“What do you want?” He’s straight to the point, eager to push away the stranger.

 

Leather jacket boy shrugs but he’s got a confident smile on his face. He isn’t nervous. He must know exactly what he wants. Lucky guy. “Listen,” he whispers as he gets into Rob’s personal space.

 

Their faces are pretty close now and it’s the first chance Robert’s had to really _look_ at him; his mess of auburn hair, goofy grin and the brown eyes staring back at him. He’s got quite a striking face, but he’s not TV good looking. He doesn’t even suit the leather jacket; that’s why he sticks out in a crowd. The guy’s probably a geek.

 

 _Fuck_ , he’s thinking too much.

 

He must have relaxed his hand in the few seconds he spent looking at the other boy because the pencil’s gone in a flash.  

 

 _Sure_ , he’ll listen. It seems like he doesn’t have much of a choice.

 

“Xavier” the boy declares, as if he truly is the founder of the X-Men. Definitely a geek then. He seems more Xander Harris than Charles Xavier.

 

He’s ripping out a square from his exercise book and scribbling something down with the stolen pencil. Apparently owning a leather jacket makes you so cool that you can walk around like you own the place. It works for Angel and Spike, Rob supposes.

 

Finally he manages to say something, “What? That’s not your real name, fuck off!”

 

Xavier fucking _smirks_ and Robert can feel his face warm up with embarrassment. He doesn’t even know why but this guy has set him on edge. All he did was steal a pencil. Granted, he’s acting weird but Rob’s dealt with worse. If Andy was here he’d use his fists without hesitation, no doubt about it. This guy is probably a bully and he knows from previous encounters that he shouldn’t rise to it. He has to stay calm, if it’s not too late.

 

Xavier reaches out for Robert’s hand, but he flinches and immediately pulls his hands behind his back defensively. His eyes are wide, searching for answers, “What the fuck?”

 

For a second he wonders if this guy's a queer, but he reasons that he’s far too good looking for that.

 

The confusion on his face makes the easy-going boy laugh, “Don’t look so scared. It’s only a phone number.”

 

He places the piece of paper on the desk and lets Robert decide what to do with it.

 

A boy giving another boy his phone number, seemingly without any reason. This couldn’t mean anything good. Robert hates the way Xavier's smiling at him. It’s like he’s missed an inside joke. Maybe there’s a hidden camera someone. His punchline will be delivered any moment now; the number’s for a sex line or a support group for kids with murderers for fathers.

 

Instead the prompt he gets is, “You’re a Sugden, right? What’s your first name?”

 

Robert’s been ready for this question. Something in the back of his mind had hoped that Xavier would care enough to ask his name, or even know it already. He doesn't think to question why. Nor does he concentrate on the knot tightening in his stomach, “You tell me, can’t you read minds?”

 

Xavier bites his lip, taking too long to come up with a retort. He’s come across as too confident too quickly. Robert has the power back and he’s smiling, holding up the phone number and considering it. “So you should know already, if i’m gonna call you.”

 

He just shakes his head, like he doesn’t have time for banter - even though he started it in the first place. “Whatever. Enjoy your fags, Andy’s brother.”

 

That’s what flips the switch in Rob’s mind. The panic alarm is sounding and if he doesn’t _run_ right now he’s going to scream. He’s up on his feet, knocking the chair over with his school bag as he hurries to the library door. It’s only when he’s sat in the toilet cubicle that he notices he still has the phone number in his hand. He lets out a shaky laugh, leaning his head against the door and taking deep breaths.

 

 _Andy’s brother_.

 

It’s worse than being a nobody; just one of the many boys wearing the same uniform. He’s an extension of _Andy_ . It feels like he doesn’t really exist. Those Sugden brothers, _they’re so alike_ . He is _not_ Andrew Sugden.

 

It feels as if someone’s reached inside his chest and pulled at his heart. His dad acts like he doesn’t even have one anymore. If that were true he wouldn’t be so close to crying right now. He runs a hand through his hair and then feels the sweat building on his forehead. He can’t be the only person who feels this way.

 

The last person he’d been honest with was Richie - right up until he’d dropped the bombshell that would end their short lived friendship. He was testifying against Jack. The man believed that his dad was a murderer.

 

“There must be someone else you can talk to” Richie had reasoned.

 

That had only made Robert feel like a burden. At home Andy called him a traitor, Kathy yelled and Victoria sat stiffly like a china doll. All he’d wanted was to know the truth about his mother’s death.  

 

“Yeah, millions of people” he’d spat bitterly.

 

He grabs his bag and takes a sip from his water bottle. Keep calm and carry on; get out of this nightmare state of mind. He closes his eyes and sees his dad frowning at him, ‘ _Man up son! Stop moping about and pull yourself together!_ ’

 

He replaces the image with one of Spike sat smoking a cigarette and wearing the ring of Amara. “You really wanna live forever, kid?” he asks the camera, his leather coat swaying behind him. Maybe not, but he sure could use a gem that would make him indestructible. He’s slowly learning that this world is a lot darker than he ever thought it could be. “You’ve got to be strong” isn’t good enough. He needs to be a fucking super hero.

 

His phone vibrates in his pocket. It’s Andy. _I’m making a mint from these fags Rob. Told you it would work!_

 

Andy wouldn’t run away and cry in the toilets like a pathetic loser. He would have punched Xaiver and told him to back the hell off. Andy would have sat and done his homework without thinking of how his life feels meaningless and no one will ever really love him. Andy wouldn’t be wondering what it would be like to kiss the boy in the leather jacket.


End file.
